Those children who were abused either emotionally or physically or sexually in childhood , even once ( Being bullied , poked fun at ) have a strong sense of self hatred. They internalize anger and struggle to cope with hyper arousal or hypo arousal both in a social context and when alone . So, many of them either sleep through the day or stay awake for days. The numbness which follows abuse often leads to cutting self as a means of self affirmation . Such children , adolescents or young adults are highly shame prone…..

Typical belief of shame prone person is that they are viewed as inadequate in some way by the world. They try very hard to please the world and build a social image , yet they feel they have had so little impact on others that they “do not exist” or they are “invisible”

It closed up

When people touched it

It shuddered and shut up

Even for a rain drop.

It was by the road

Lest it crumple

I did not touch

I spoke

But it closed up….

I suffer since I understand

The flower of the touch -me not plant……..

When they do make an impact that can not be refuted , they think it was a mask that won and not their true self. Sometimes they think they have an undesired quality that caused abuse. Some believe they were abused because they were arrogant and become self negating. Others believe they were abused because they were ugly or fat and no one would believe that an abuser found them worthy of being a target , hence work at acquiring beauty. Many believe that their attractiveness caused it and work at becoming ugly. Rarely an intelligent victim is unable to reconcile to the stupidity of decisions that put them in a vulnerable spot or unable to forgive self for not seeing a trap and disown their intelligence and memory , the spine of intelligence. Many blame the freedom to choose that lead to foolish decision making , hence willingly cage them selves….or give up their freedom….or even surrender to a jailer , another abuser.

14% of childhood victims of abuse are vulnerable to re abuse due to these factors.

Whenever I tried to hide

I was lost

Since no one found me.

I thought no one could find me

So only learnt to hide

Behind walls …….

I saw another wall

May be you were also

hiding

Fearing lest you lose me

In finding me in ways that I disrespect

Like others before….

by traps or games

I tried to seek you….

Honestly breaking my walls

Losing my self

Crashing against your wall

I now,  know you are a wall.

Behind me , ruins of a wall

Against me another wall

I am lost

I am trapped…

I am lost hiding , I am equally lost seeking……

No wall is a door not even you……..

Body image disturbances have a tendency to recur when the person is under social scrutiny or criticism . It is a challenge to balance between the urge to disappear and the wish to make an impact. And also to realize that abuse is abusive irrespective of how it occured or by whoever and the only quality that attracts abuse is vulnerability . There fore the universal impact of abuse is numbness . An abused person may recognize that they are not guilty at all but still feel damaged or spoiled. 

Some of them play at being an anti hero , since they think they can never be heroes ever again. They enjoy being called an abuser , since it takes away the label of victim . This phenomenon is more common in men who were victims. They do externalize anger and often target vulnerable persons or fellow victims . They dissociate in to an abuser when they encounter a victim and this is portrayed in popular films to depict multiple personality disorder. Many victims dissociate in to victims when they are cornered by an abuser , though other wise they know to keep their boundaries and fight back. Mindfulness is a useful technique to prevent dissociation and also gathering social support against an abuser.

 

 

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One thought on “Non Suicidal Self Harm

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