She was deflowered as per the English language. Not unflower that would be a bud. So what made hymen to be the vital part of the flower?Who coined this term, it was so biased, denoting an injury. No one called it a flower when it was intact, but after the damage, like a mocking jibe call it deflowered. To be born in a female body made it impossible to experience sexual love with out injury. But there was injury to more than her body, she could not wash it off. She knew even before she started ablution.Sitting naked shivering in the cold, on her bed, she looked at her reflection; no one could see that she was not a virgin. She had a long bath, it did not lather, it was hard water, from the borewell. She wore her washed night suit. She brushed her undergarments, to cleanse the blood stains, almost tearing them. To think her face had its origins in sex.
She did not want to think of Rake or what had happened, any other painful thought was better than that, any one else’s grief was better than her own. The image of the four drops of blood on that bed sheet with snake and ladder pattern kept intruding her mind. She should have washed it off. She thought of woman’s causes, it was the kind of anger she was used to, bearable impersonal anger. She thought of differential calculus, she liked integral calculus that was a mistake, always interested in higher grade of the lesson with out mastering the lower grade. She was looking for silence in a language, which was dumb. She did not want music, she was too tired to dance, she removed the diary and started to write…….about the rain, afforestation and the eternal thirst, about the kind of prints bedsheets should have, Simple squares, circles, diamonds, not ladders.
Feng shui and the need to discard broken vases, and damaged gods, broken watches and clocks that have stopped with bent or broken needles, about preservation of wildlife and the tigers becoming extinct. Floriculture and the medicinal value of white hibiscus, plastic white tents of controlled temperature to grow and protect flowers.About maternal mortality rate which was still high the causes and preventive measures. Dress designs in red coloured fabrics, with or without hoods. She thought of sarees with borders, thin borders, or big borders, mango shaped zari, or temple domes, conch shells, traditional designs could be mixed with modern shapes. Why should pens have caps? Why should nib be protected? When a mother loses her only baby, does she stop being a mother? What is the term, bereaved mother or a woman (mother –in –pasttense)?
She wrote silence, silence silence, silence, 108 times…………
She grew more fatigued and fell in to a half awake sleep over the diary. She heard Lionel Richie ‘Hello, is it me you are looking for’ if the singer is blind, only she could see him. She would have to look for him……She did not want to be seen by a man any man ever again.It was semi dark, Rake had not seen her completely naked, she tried to lamely console her self. She felt like cutting up her body, wherever it could be seen, may be those cuts could close the one cut inside her.Then that song of the childhood ‘ jaaneyaagiru, nanna mallige, nee hennagi bandiruve illige”* ( Be clever my lil jasmine, you have come to this world as a girl, god is angry with us, he gave us limits….)It was the song of a movie of by gone days, but how by gone were the values?
Hymenuela vaginalis was a mucous membrane with no known function; it had no excuse for its silly presence. Why did the anatomists not call it a vestigial structure like appendix? Because like Manu, they were men, and probably thought it to be holy. Was it like a gift wrapper, designed by a sentimental fool called nature? She got up from the bed and switched on the lights and searched for embryology book, trying to find some clue in its origins, no, its size was inversely proportional to the size of the orifice. It was semicircular like the crescent moon…. She read through the nerve supply, most of it was from the sympathetic nervous system, so nature made an allowance for fight or flight response.
Even the movement of the ampulla, where the sperm and ovum kissed each other, was moved by the prostaglandins in the semen, female was supposed to be passive, all the way down to her inner organ. The cervix was insensitive to touch, heat and even when handled by an instrument, uterine walls were even insensitive to incisions. So mother nature anaesthetised the regions for child birth, boys got all the fun, girls got anaesthesia and bearable pain, from menstruation onwards, cramps , cramps, so many changes. There really was no function for hymen, except to hurt, and say ‘don’t enter me’. She looked through the local anaesthetics, in pharmacology textbook, she would look up the appropriate trade names, at least her sister, and sister-in –law would not go through this pain that was all she could do.